I had this sudden epiphany the other day when I saw a rainbow and realized, if you look at it upside down, a rainbow is just the earth’s gay beard. Then I had a moment of clarity when all the pieces fell into place.
The Earth is a sassy gay man. Think about it. It’s big and proud of it, it’s whole life revolves around a shiny object, it only took him seven days to look gorgeous, and he throws a fit if you make a mess or change the temperature even a little. Even the moon is it’s little white purse dog. And if you see the earth from space – the oceans and continents mixed with moving cloud cover – it looks a lot like those elaborately decorative patterned shirts those people are always wearing. Pssh, fashion.
The evidence is all around us and I’m only just now seeing it. Take the animals, for instance. It didn’t like those big ugly dinosaurs so it replaced them with smaller, cuter, furrier animals to run around on him. That’s pretty gay. And look at the dolphin. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the smartest animal on the planet is also nature’s gayest.
This whole realization has made me reconsider the environmentalist agenda. We all know the gays are into that liberal environmental crap. How long before the Earth decides to destroy us for making him all dirty and polluted? Is a planet-sized gay fit the way the world will end?
I don’t care for the government telling me how to sort my garbage or which stream I’m allowed to dump my sewage into, but until we reach a stage where the earth no longer holds us hostage, we may have no choice.
Of course I can’t prove any of this for certain (most conspiracies can’t be proven thanks to the government and big corporations), but somewhere in the universe I’m almost positive earth’s parents are trying to be supportive of Earth’s lifestyle but are having a hard time.
But you can’t ignore the facts. The only way Earth could be gayer is if it had a ton of gold rings around it like Saturn. Even though we all know Saturn isn’t gay. He’s an immigrant.
Now back to my anti-apocalypse shelter. Dec 21 is quickly approaching.
Earth’s Gay Beard
