I’m Disappointed In All The Hot Girls Who Wore Clever Costumes This Year

What is going on?! Hot girls are supposed to dress slutty on Halloween, not wear clever, thought-out DIY costumes! What’s the deal?

I look forward to Halloween every year. It’s a grand tradition that allows straight guys to dress in drag, tolerant people to wear blackface, and classy girls to whore it up. What’s that, you’re a cat? Oh sorry, I wasn’t looking at your cat ears…

But this year, instead of watching a parade of slutty girls dressed in next to nothing pretending they’re only slutty on Halloween and not all the other days of the year, I saw way too many girls in “clever” or “ironic” costumes that weren’t sexy at all. And I’m pissed. Here are a few examples:

Some girls make me wish I had eight hands. This is not one of those girls.

Bacon and eggs? I’m looking for eye candy, not a Hot or Not reject and a dog that looks like it’s having a stroke.

Gum-underneath-a-shoe? Talk to me when you’re sexy gum-under-shoe.

Pinterest, really? That’s your costume? She’s probably a lesbian.

These Scooby Doo girls are trying to solve the mystery of their missing hotness. They may never solve it.

Go Go Gadget ugly!

I’d rather not do it.

Pixelated girl, how am I supposed to ogle you when you’re at a worse resolution than the pixelated strippers from the 90s Duke Nuken?

This was great until I realized she was dressing up like Lindsay Bluth and Tobias Funke from Arrested Development. Thanks for ruining the show for me.

Oh mighty Zoltar, can you please tell me where I can find a girl with a self worth based on getting attention from men and who has had one too many shots?

I can tell she used to be hot before she had that baby. And that costume isn’t doing you any favors.

Ah! Baby-hungry chick who says I’m the father! Now THIS is a scary Halloween costume.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a fantasy involving Flo from those Progressive commercials rolling around in a whole lot of insurance forms. But this costume ruined that fantasy forever.

Close, but to quote my favorite Star Wars porno, “These are not the boobs you’re looking for.”

See what I mean?! There were virtually no hot, slutty girls all night. No skanks, hoes, tramps, street walkers, call girls, coffee grinders, bed bunnies, village bicycles, lease-pieces, notch-broads, go daddies, overnight bags, pavement princesses, sailor bait, hobgoblins, red-light tumblers, grassbacks, walk ups, yes-girls, doorbells, flag-pole saluters, little bo peeps, woody harrelsons, bologna ponies, blade runners, carrot chasers, chicken farmers, wiggle wenches, gooser loosers, cyclopes slayers, queen kongs, knocker lockers, banana boaters, lady tramps, lobster pots, dart boards, tax returns, mutton choppers, dragon flagons, early birds, pencil pushers, cross stitchers, harry potters, leaky pipes, post-it notes, pied pipers, ting tongs, tickle me elmos, or nether ninjas. Not a single one.

So here’s to hoping this clever costume thing is just a fad and we can all go back to the grand old Halloween tradition of treating girls like our own personal pleasure parade. Anything else is just plain wrong.

3 thoughts on “I’m Disappointed In All The Hot Girls Who Wore Clever Costumes This Year

  1. Pingback: Halloween Trends

  2. Since we’ve reduced women on Halloween to “hoes” ‘sluts” and “tramps” among the other names you call them, I hope this “clever-girl” Halloween costume scene lasts throughout your life because you don’t deserve any woman for the way you refer to them. So many things wrong with your post. I hope you seek therapy sooner rather than later.

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