Mayor Sir Ryan is Hiding Something

As a journalist, I try to be unbiased and let the truth speak for itself. But when the powers that be muzzle the press and attempt to keep the truth from getting out, I feel like I must speak out.

Our new Mayor Sir Ryan is not allowing the press to be free. He is hiding something.

A more accurate portrait of our Mayor Sir Ryan.

Ever since Sir Ryan was appointed Mayor by the City Council, I have tried to interview council members to find out why Sir Ryan was chosen despite having so many other better-qualified citizens available to them. Thousands of emails and phone calls have gone unanswered. I have not managed to get a single meeting from anyone. The City Hall answering machine currently says, after a long list of directory options, “To speak to an operator, press 0, if you’re a member of the press, go hang yourself.”

I managed to track down councilwoman Laurel Sandberg-Armstrong at the construction site of her new guesthouse. Despite being able to see her crouched behind a saw-table through the wooden frame of her under-construction guest home, she still pretended no one was home. After some research, I found out that the 5-acre lot she was building on used to be a nature preserve, but when Sir Ryan was elected, that “preserve” status was magically revoked, and Ms. Armstrong purchased the land that same day for only $1. Interesting.

I also tracked down councilman Brian Havig at the Byron High homecoming game. Before I could get a question out, he threw a tray of nachos at me, ran away stumbling down the bleachers, twisting his ankle in the process. Someone has him scared. When I requested to see if he had a file with the police department, the police told me that his file had “burned down.” A file on one person somehow burnt to the ground, and no one else’s?  “Yup,” the unhelpful police officer said, and then hung up the phone.

I finally tried going to the source, right to City Hall to talk to Mayor Sir Ryan. There is always a group of his Medieval Club cronies guarding the door, and as soon as I approached, they beat me with foam swords and yelled medieval insults at me like “Media Strumpet” and “Vexing Journalist Wench” and “Newspaper Ninny” until I had no choice but to leave (foam swords hurt more than you’d think).

I’ve talked to journalists at the Byron City Gazette and Byron City Post and they have all received the same treatment. Something fishy is going on behind closed doors in Byron City. Something that goes all the way to the top.

There’s a reason Sir Ryan rose from a nothing Medieval Club weirdo to the most powerful man in the City. And this newspaper ninny intends to find out.

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2 thoughts on “Mayor Sir Ryan is Hiding Something

  1. Pingback: Recap – The First Year of Byron City | The City of Byron City

  2. Pingback: Medieval Mayor Removed From Office | The City of Byron City

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