I’ve Still Never Seen Star Wars

That’s right, you read the title of the post correctly. I have never seen Star Wars. I’m one of the weirdos that you didn’t think existed anymore outside of the Tibetan mountains and a few Amish settlements, but here I am, a grown-freaking man living in the modern age who
hasn’t seen Star Wars, and you know what? I’m glad. I don’t know why people keep telling Luke that they are his father and I don’t care, and if your only hope is some guy named Obi-Juan Ken Doll or whatever, then you’re pretty much screwed, because that’s a stupid name.

Who are these people? You know what, I don’t care.

How did I manage to go my entire life without seeing Star Wars? Well, I was raised in a very strict home where my parents didn’t allow us to watch stupid things that couldn’t happen in real life. So I also didn’t get to watch Ghostbusters, E.T., Back to the Future, Ferris Beuller’s Day Off, or Amadeus (historically inaccurate movies were out, too). Then in high school I got really involved with the newly formed rap club (I had some mad fresh rhymes), in college and med school I was busy studying and didn’t have time for movies, and then after I graduated I was too busy having a life to care about space ninjas or whatever the story is about. And with every passing year, more and more people are shocked that I haven’t seen those dumb Star Wars movies. They don’t care that we haven’t cured cancer yet or that we still haven’t come up with a way to cancel when we push the wrong button on the elevator, but for some reason the fact that some human beings haven’t seen Star Wars yet fills them with disbelief and anxiety.

I didn’t do it on purpose, I always meant to see them eventually. But now that it has been so long and I’m one of the few people on the planet apparently whose brain hasn’t been smeared by some SciFi popcorn movie, I kind of like that I haven’t seen them. It makes me feel special. Plus, I get to use it to annoy nerds for the rest of my life. That’s a gift you  don’t take for granted.

For example, when our county hosted their own ComicCon, I went wearing a shirt that said “I’ve Never Seen Star Wars ” and watched as the nerds fainted in my wake. I told every person holding a light saber that I liked their popsicle walking sticks, and I once told a grown man with a Star Wars backpack (yes, a grown man) that Jar Jar Binks was a way better side-kick than Chewy. I hear he’s in a coma.

Remember, I don’t know who those characters are, but I do my research. And it has paid off.

So yea, I’ve managed not to watch Star Wars for a few decades now and I’ll make it a few more. Maybe in the future when a new study comes out that finds Star Wars gives you eyeball cancer I won’t look so stupid anymore, now will I? No, I won’t. You will, because you won’t have eyes anymore due to the eyeball cancer. The cancer you didn’t cure because you were more worried about getting me to watch those movies. And as the only person left on the earth with eyeballs, I will be your king and watch Gilmore Girls and Private Practice over and over again and tell you how much better it is than Star Wars.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some rare 1979 original Star Wars actions figures I bought off of eBay that I need to burn and post on Youtube. Bwah ha ha…


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