New Burger King Bacon Sundae Causes Collective Euphoria

The new Burger King Bacon Sundae has given Byron City a universal case of euphoria, with lines stretching around the block 24/7, and cars at the drive-through stretching to city limits.

The sundae has earned seemingly unanimous praise from its predominately male patronage.

“I love ice cream. I love bacon. Naturally putting the two together was the greatest idea mankind has ever had,” said Jaime Morgan, citizen, as he enjoyed his first taste of the sundae.

“I thought after eating KFC’s Double Down sandwich, I’d never find another food item I’d love more. I was wrong,” said Eric Port, citizen and social studies teacher.

“I haven’t voted in 12 years, but I woke up at 4am and took work off to make sure I didn’t miss this,” said Jerry Byrd, citizen and account manager at Schwartz Industries.

“Last time I was at Baskin Robbins, I ask for bacon bits on my banana split and they looked at me like I was crazy. Well, who’s crazy now, huh? Bwah ha ha ha ha…” resident Michael Fintz said to no one in particular.

“I want to have my wedding here,” said Bob Van Daniels, entrepreneur and frequent blogger. “It’s just…perfect.”

“I can’t wait until Burger King and McDonald’s team up to make a McRib Sundae. Now THAT would be genius,” said Joe Martin, construction worker.

“I have achieved nirvana,” said Brian Hales, citizen.

“If I won a billion dollars, my wife turned into a Brazilian supermodel, and I suddenly gained the power to fly and see through women’s clothing, I still wouldn’t trade this moment for that one,” said Barry Peppers, citizen and owner of Byron Pawn.

My way indeed, Burger King.

“I’ve seen the Grand Canyon. The Sistine chapel. A newborn baby. Aurora Borealis. But this is the most breathtaking thing I have ever seen,” said Clark Nunez with a single tear streaming down his face.

“Now I know that God didn’t rest on the seventh day. He was busy salting and smoking a bunch of pork while Arch-Angel Michael made sundaes out of their fluffiest clouds,” said Patrick Latt, amateur poet and bartender at The Pissed Pot.

“I can walk! It’s a bacon sundae miracle!!!” said a man in a wheel chair.

“I dug a time capsule last week with my kids. They put pictures and toys and letters in it. This afternoon, I’m going to dig it up, throw all of that crap out, and put this sundae in instead,” said Stephen Cartwright, father of three.

“What’s that sundae? You want me to eat you? But you’re so beautiful. Ok…just give me a few moments to say goodbye to you first,” said a man whose name I was afraid to ask for.

“Ooooooooh myyyyyy looooooove, myyy darlin’, I’ve hungered for your touch, a looooooong and lonely time…” sang citizen Jon Silva to a half-eaten sundae.

But not everyone has been as enthusiastic about the new confection.

“You people are all insane. Seriously. You’re going to get diabetes and a heart attack at the same time,” said Willow Van Wess, mother, activist, and frequent blogger.

But sour attitudes from a few have not stopped the town’s male population from indulging in their new favorite food item.

As of press time, all the women in town were collectively rolling their eyes.


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