CAPTCHA Was Written By Epileptic 2nd Graders From Hell

I waited online all morning, my mouse ready to click ‘Purchase’ as soon as the clock struck 10am. Radiohead tickets are hard to get, and I was going to be ready. But even though I clicked right on time, picked my tickets right away, and proceeded to Checkout in an orderly fashion, I still didn’t get my tickets. Why? Because of CAPTCHA, a form of security code written by epileptic 2nd graders from hell. And I couldn’t solve the acid-induced riddle for the life of me until my time ran out and I lost the tickets.

This is the last time I miss out on a concert because of some stupid, unintelligible garble of letters that are supposed to thwart hacker bots while leaving human beings unharmed. If we’re at the point where the only way to beat bots is to create an ever-changing cryptic language code system that would make Jackson Pollock stab his own eyes out, then they have already won and the eve of the apocalyptic robotic uprising is upon us.

Just look at some examples I pulled up from online. It’s beyond ridiculous:


Upside-down, Disney-fied, pixellated, and just plain confusing with a taunting message at the bottom that looks like a Japanese teenage girl’s fake American t-shirt.


Letters, floating in space, with no definite time or order. Why does this feel like Inception?


Seriously? None of those letters belong to any human language. This is what the Ancient Egyptians saw when they did ‘shrooms.


So the male symbol is an “x” and the horse chess piece is a “p” and the diamond, radioactive symbol, and the square spell “kill me now.” Tell me, Captcha Man, what does the middle finger symbol stand for?


And now we’ve added drawings of cats. If you couldn’t tell, some of the letters have dogs, not cats. Only enter the letters with cats. This is not a captcha, it’s a kindergarten logic puzzle. And I still can’t get it right.


I think what you’re trying to say is “Mua ha ha ha ha haaa!”


Who is more likely to solve this captcha: a mathematically advanced computer, or the guy who just finished watching “Charlie Bit My Finger” for the 100th time?


Yes, this is a real captcha. The meanest part is not objectifying these poor young girls, but the fact that it is impossible to tell which three are the hot ones.


Now they’re just messing with us.


Yup, pretty much sums up the life of the average CAPTCHA writer.


I’d tell all you CAPTCHA writers to go to hell, but you’re already there and love bathing in hot lava and stealing the souls of human beings from their eyes through the computer screen. Seriously, please come up with a better way to beat computer hacking programs. If the best idea we can come up with is to lock up a bunch of toddlers in a room with finger paints, alphabet magnets, and an endless supply of Pixie Sticks, then we might as well just give criminals our credit cards numbers


One thought on “CAPTCHA Was Written By Epileptic 2nd Graders From Hell

  1. Oh God how many times have I banged my head on the desk and howled and given up because Craptcha tests. And even if you set it to the spoken version it’s like listening to a bunch of demented Martians reading a Macdonald’s menu at a codeine party with a rave going on behind them. And you missed the Radiohead Tickets because of it? That’s bad. Really bad. Hilarious post though. Hope you manage to procure tickets through some other means.

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