Yoga Class: Ladies, Stop Undressing Me With Your Third Eye

Just got back from my morning Yoga workout at the Rec Center, and I have to say something. Yoga is a place for people trying to get fit physically, mentally, and spiritually. It’s not a place for you to stare, drool, or pick up on me. I’m not a piece of meat on display, so please, stop staring at me while I’m doing my yoga, ladies. I’m just a guy here to get my Lotus on.

I am NOT your visual yogi playground.

I seriously can’t focus on my side planks when I can see you locking your glance on my tight six-pack and my pelvis muscles that all Abercrombie & Fitch models have. How am I supposed to balance the energies of my chakra when I can hear your ujjayi breaths getting shorter every time I go into cobra. Get a hold of yourself.

I’ve been doing yoga for ten years now, and it’s always the same. Women think that just because I’m wearing skin-tight yoga pants and a Lululemon tank, that gives them permission to stare at my butt when I’m doing my chaturanga and ogle at my chest during lizard. I’m here to achieve super-consciousness, not super-creepiness. These tight pants free my body to reach new poses and inner peace; they do not open it to be your visual playground. Direct your third eye elsewhere.

And it’s not just the girls. Guys do it, too. Oh, yes, I’ve noticed. Just last week I was wearing my pink yoga briefs and lightning streaked tank, and when I took the tank off to get better movement during crow posture, I noticed that just outside the yoga room some beef-headed dude had stopped lifting weights just to stare at me. He even called some of his buddies over to check me out, too. They started cat-calling and everything. Typical men. Pigs. They just drool all over you like you don’t have a brain or a soul. My vinyasa completely stopped flowing, and I had to do some serious camel pose to release all that negative energy.

I seriously need to start doing beach yoga again.

I try to ignore it, but no matter how hard I focus on finding inner peace and oneness through the expression of yoga, I can still feel the stare of the pervert behind me, her eyes locked on my tightening muscles, sucking out my prana with her gaping mouth during bridge pose. Keep in mind that this pose is meant to display my heart to the universe, not my genitals. So while you and I are in this position, the only package you should be concerned with is the package of resentment and anger tucked deep within your subconscious.

I don’t think I’m asking too much. All I want is when we’re doing downward facing dog, that you STAY downward facing. It will improve the aura of the entire room. I gotta run to Whole Foods now. Namaste.

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