Avengers Movie Review: No one can avenge this atomic bomb

*Contains spoilers. Not that you can spoil an already terrible movie.

I watched Avengers this weekend. Why didn’t I see this “blockbuster” opening weekend? As fun as standing in line to watch a movie with a bunch of grown men in spandex Captain Virginity costumes that they haven’t washed since Comic Con Atlanta, I had better things to do, and preferred to see this train wreck when the nerds and losers had crawled back into their mothers’ basements to play Zombie Board games with their imaginary girlfriend (who they perpetually imagine dressed in the Princess Leia slave costume and is fascinated with their knowledge of 14th century weaponry blacksmithing).

So I finally went this weekend to watch Joss Whedon play with his action figures, and of course, it was horrendous. It made me wish Jeremy Renner had been blown up in The Hurt Locker and Scarlett Johansson had been trampled by that horse in The Horse Whisperer. At the very least, someone needs to pay the New Orleans Saints to go and beat the crap out of every member of the product staff.

Why so harsh? First of all, I’m never too harsh (just see my Hunger Games review). Second, is there anything in this movie besides Mark Ruffalo’s chest hair that WASN’T CGI? Did they even need the actor’s on set, or did they just film Robert Downy Jr. in his living room for a week and computer generate a movie around it? If I wanted to watch something that was 90% fake, I’d watch C-SPAN. With all that CGI you’d think they’d be able to construct a compelling story. But I guess there isn’t a “Make Relevant and Interesting” tool on Photoshop yet.

Third, for an action movie, it moves about as fast as Stephen Hawking pushed into a swimming pool. I’ve seriously had bowel movements that move faster and smell better than this movie. The main bad guy spends the first 20% of the movie getting his butt kicked, the next 70% of the movie sitting in jail, and the last 10% of the movie commanding an army of Lord of the Rings Orc rejects and giant worms stolen from the movie Tremors. Wake me when Natalie Portman makes her cameo. So that I can boo her.

Fourth, it’s littered with stupid plot points:

  • How is Captain America still alive in 2012? He was frozen. Yea, in ice. Brilliant. Cough cough.
  • The Black Widow’s hair and makeup stays perfect no matter how many times she gets shot, punched, smashed, or spends an extended amount of time in a humid environment. And for the entire length of the movie not a single male hits on her. Is the Avengers universe populated solely by flaming homos? The answer: Thor.
  • The clothes of the Hulk shred off when he transforms, but the upper part of his pants miraculously stay in tact. Either no one wants to see a Hulk dong, or it’s a brilliant product placement by Dockers Bear Grylls collection.
  • How did Cobie Smulders get in this movie? Guess she’ll have plenty of stories to tell on the set of How I Met Your Monstrously Bad Career.
  • If black people naturally liked nerdy SciFi and comic book movies, Samuel L. Jackson would be out of work.
  • The Avengers defeat the bad guys by dropping a really big bomb on them. I couldn’t find a better symbolic end to this movie than that.

But being a bad movie isn’t exactly a crime (unless that movie happens to be Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion, in which case everyone involved in the making of that movie should be locked up forever sharing a cell with the big hairy sweaty gay man from Prison Break). But the unpardonable crime of this movie was the ruining of the seven classic characters it portrays.

In this version of the Avengers, the main bad guy, Loki, is a dung beetle, who plays dead and emits a foul odour when threatened. But the movie execs didn’t stop there when turning the movie’s main villain into the kind of unfunny joke that would make Adam Sandler drool. They gave Loki an instant-kill brain-washing magical staff and hardly let him use it. Odd. It’s like when the Power Rangers would fight a villain for 20 minutes, almost fail, then change into a giant robot at the last minute and win instantly. Why don’t you just change into your giant robot from the get-go, idiots! If Loki had just used his impotent staff of death to wail on people non-stop from the very beginning, the movie would have been over in only 15 merciful minutes and I would have got 5 and a half hours of my life back.

Compared to the powers of all the other characters, Captain America is the lamest. His super power is that he is bossier and louder than all the other Avengers, which apparently makes him the leader. At least that much is true to reality. Where was that power to boss others around during other dangerous situations, like when his agent convinced him to do Not Another Teen Movie? At least he didn’t have to say embarrassing and predictable lines like “Hulk Smash,” right? Oh, wait. That happened. And it was supposed to be clever. Some movie exec somewhere is smiling to himself on the toilet over the inclusion of that little gem.

And how did Robert Downy Jr. focus on playing Iron Man when he was getting paid a gazillion dollars more than every single one of his co-actors combined? He must have been getting hot sauce in his underwear every day. Oh, and there’s about as much sexual attraction between Tony Stark and Pepper Potts as Elton John at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show.

It’s sad that I was the only one in the theatre who cheered when Loki stabbed Phil. Mostly because I thought the movie was over and I could go home. Nope. Only three more hours to go after that.

I could go on and on about the horrors of this movie, but I won’t, because you’re more than likely still recovering from the hours of crap this movie made you endure in the darkness of a crowded, overpriced movie theatre. Just take this as a warning, if you haven’t seen The Avengers, don’t feed the hideous beast known as the Summer Blockbuster. If you have seen it, and hated it I feel your pain. If you saw it and liked it, may God have mercy on your brain.

By the way, someone should check on Stan Lee to make sure he hasn’t committed seppuku.

Score for the Avengers: F – –

Nice job, idiots.

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