I went on a first date Saturday with this girl I met online. I was a little nervous, I admit. But when the date was over, and I thought about how, by the end of the night, I spent $200 and eaten nothing, was forced to talk to 3 of her ex-boyfriends on her cell phone, had my pants set on fire, and lost consciousness twice for completely different reasons, I can say this: it was the best date of my entire life.
I won’t say who this girl is, but she is completely and totally insane. I guess there were signs from the beginning. She has a Sesame Street tattoo, is really into horoscopes, told me she is an ex-model with her own fashion blog, said her favorite rapper is Ke$ha, and thinks Stephenie Meyers is the greatest writer of our generation, but I didn’t know how crazy she really was until the moment I first realized she spiked my drink with Adderall and Abilify.
Not sure why I liked it so much. I guess I must be really bored with my life. I mean, most guys would have been a little peeved when she made me wait an hour for her to finish getting ready… at her parent’s house… with her father who doesn’t speak English… and is a POW for some foreign war we haven’t even heard of in this country. Some guys would have called it a night after she sobbed through the first fifteen minutes of dinner and called three ex-boyfriends, twice each, once to tell them she was “totally over him and with someone new and hot and we’re making out right now, yes right now, right as I’m talking to you, I can make out and talk at the same time, you know I can, stop talking to me like I’m stupid,” and then a second time to beg for forgiveness and make me talk to them for her. Most guys wouldn’t have liked that. But me…wow, for some reason it really turned me on.
Seriously, it was awesome. One minute, she’s hand-feeding me chocolate lava cake and licking her fingers all sexy-like, and then the next she’s splashing wine in my face and storming out for no reason telling everyone on the way out that I’m “emotionally raping” her. She’s so crazy it’s fantastic.
I don’t think there are any other girls out there that would ask me what baby names I’d like for our children one minute , and the next try to give me a “homemade” tattoo of her face on my arm. And why does she carry a road flare in her purse? I don’t know, but when she accidentally lit and dropped it in my lap while I was doing 65 down the highway, I didn’t really have time to think about it. But this could be love. And if love isn’t watching her freak out when she loses her cell phone, then letting her have my shoes because her feet got cold just to watch her throw them in a sewer because I stepped on a rock and said “ow!” which made her feel guilty and she doesn’t like being manipulated like that, and then helping her shoplift underwear from Forever 21 isn’t love, I don’t know what is.
My friends keep asking me if I “got lucky.” Well, if waking up alone in a dumpster behind an adult-themed bakery is lucky, then yes, I’d say I got pretty lucky.
Gotta go. I have 1,784 texts from her I have to respond to.