Hi there. I don’t need to introduce myself to you since I’m so awesome that if you don’t already know who I am by now it’s probably because you won first prize in a sucking contest.
I just wanted everyone in the town to know that I’ve rejected Sir Ryan’s proposal to be his Vice Mayor. Why you ask? First, stop asking so many questions, you sound like a freaking idiot. Second, I found out there is no such thing as Vice Mayor. Third, I’m nobody’s sidekick. So I’m running for mayor myself.
Welcome back to your computer, because I can only assume that after reading that last sentence, you got up from your computer and started break dancing and breaking your own windows for joy, or if you didn’t, it’s either because you fainted instead, or because you’re a complete and utter tool who doesn’t think me running for Mayor is the best thing that every happened in your life.
So for those of you who aren’t convinced that me being Mayor would be so cool that you’d grow extra nipples, I’ve compiled a few campaign promises that will make you wet your pants with fire urine.
Why me being Mayor would melt your face off of your face
1- No one will ever have to pay taxes. EVER. Taxes are for pussies and terrorists.
2- The postal service will be replaced with attack hawks.
3- The librarians at the public library will now be hot. I’m tired of going in there and being disappointed.
4- Dynamite will be a legal firework. So will chainsaws.
5- River Street will literally be turned into a white water rafting river. Also part of the new public transportation system.
6- Hate Monday’s? Me, too. So Monday is now part of the weekend. Suck it, Tuesday.
7- The public transit system will be expanded to include skydiving.
8- Mandatory Zombie Apocalypse training the last friday of every month.
9- Everyone gets a free BMX bike
10- Remember that free BMX bike I just gave you? Why don’t you use it in the fire obstacle course I’ll build? Finish the course, you save a school of orphan babies with cancer. Fail, and I dip your balls in acid (if you don’t have balls because you are a woman, and not because your balls have shriveled in my presence, then your punishment will be you’ll have to give me a booty dance…don’t bother asking what that is, I’ll let you know when the time comes).
11- “Manscaping” will be illegal. However, this law will be waived for you if you drive a tank, have a really cool face scar, or have knives for fingers.
12- Public disputes will be resolved on who can do the most push ups.
13- The 13th floor of the Byron City hotel will be transformed into a haunted house. Stay there overnight, you get to hit on my girlfriend (spoiler alert: no one will make it more than 30 seconds without fully crapping their pants and clawing their own skin off)
14- June 15th will become an official holiday known as Call of Duty Day.
15- The bell tower in the middle of town will be struck by a real lightning bolt every hour on the hour.
16- The police force will fight crime with jetpacks.
17- Stop signs will be changed to “Shut Up” signs, and speed bumps will be changed into speed boosters.
18- The speed limit is now infinity. Everywhere.
And that’s just a small sample of the hundreds of ideas I have to change this city. If I showed them all to you, you’d forget how to speak a discernible language and pull your own eyes out. And that’s not what I want. Not for my city.
So when Mayor Chuck gets kicked out and you go to the polls to vote, vote Bob Van Daniels: for a future with some serious balls (yes that is my campaign slogan, so suck it).