Sarcastic Thief Caught
The thief responsible for holding up a gas station last week, armed with nothing but sarcasm, has been caught at his home in the outskirts of Byron City.
The thief, identified as Byron City resident Paul White, made off with over $400 from the cash register, deeply hurting the feelings of the cashier in the process. After spending the weekend with his mother, the cashier’s self esteem has fully recovered.
The suspect did not go peacefully. Upon their arrival, the police were immediately hit by a barrage of mean words and cutting remarks, leaving one officer’s ego severely wounded.
“Oh, wow, you caught me, you guys are sooOOoo smart,” said Mr. White upon seeing the cops. “You’re a regular Sherlock Holmes, seriously. You’re all bound to get a medal for this one. Good one,” he said while clapping slowly in a patronizing manner.
Once Mr. White was apprehended, he was immediately cuffed and had duct tape placed over his mouth to prevent further assault, though he still reportedly “rolled his eyes” and “groaned impatiently” at officers all the way to the police station before placing him in solitary confinement.
“Wow. LOVE what you’ve done with the place. Really. I feel RIGHT at home. Did you get Martha Stewart involved in this?” Mr. White said upon entering solitary, where he will await his hearing.
Police were able to track down Mr. White thanks to a tip from neighbor Daisy Jackson. Mrs. Jackson claimed that her son, a paperboy, had been abused by Mr. White while making his rounds. The suspect allegedly told the boy that he was “the best paperboy in the world…NOT!,” and “You have a bright future, seriously, keep it up,” in a way that Mrs. Jackson described as “a tone.” Charges for the verbal abuse is still pending.
Renaissance Festival’s Black Death March Parade Not Well Received
Byron City’s Annual Renaissance Festival took place this weekend, and was it’s most successful and well attended in its history. But events, such as the Black Death March Parade, have left some wondering whether they will attend next year,
The parade, a new addition this year, featured numerous actors parading down the street, limping, vomiting blood, losing limbs, and “dying” at various points along the parade route. Some even attached leeches to their faces for “authenticity.”
“My kid wouldn’t stop crying,” said Jed Benson, Byron City resident and father. “This is really bad timing for me to have bought The Court Jester for him on DVD. I wonder if I can exchange it for Cars 2?”
The festival was “plagued” with other issues, such as a rogue Jack Sparrow impersonator, and a group of college students who walked around the entire time talking loudly about how the festival was “totally historically inaccurate.”
Renaissance Festival chairman Sir Ryan has yet to comment, but had carved the word “REVENGE” into a picnic bench in capitol letters.