Gerald here, with another insightful review where I point out all the flaws of a movie you love that you were too dumb to notice on your own. Today’s review is for the “hit” movie, The Hunger Games. Or as I like to call it, the Boring Games.
I never thought a movie about a bunch of whiney, hormonal kids locked into a dangerous arena and forced to kill each other down to the last man would be boring. But it happened to be just that.
Most movies based on books aren’t as good as the book it’s based on, which means this movie never had a chance since the book was also terrible. It accomplishes the impossible task of making me yearn for the days of Nazi Germany just so that I can have the privilege of throwing my copy of this book into a flaming pile of discarded literature.
But back to the movie. First of all, Katniss has about as much emotion in her performance as my mother does when describing her bunions. She screams for her sister at the beginning of the movie, sure, but then decides the rest of the movie that she’s just ok with everything as-is. My mentor is Woody Harrelson in a bad wig? Sure! Everyone in the capital looks like they are part of a Lady Gaga look-alike contest in hell? Why not? Lenny Kravitz is my gay fashion designer? Absolutely! The boy who came here with me and has had a secret crush on me his entire life knows how to paint himself to blend in completely with the trees and rocks around him? Not creepy at all!
And that leads me to my critique of the other lead character: Peeta. He’s supposed to be the hero to Katniss’s heroin, but he’s shorter than Katniss and always looks like he just accidentally saw your mom in the shower and feels guilty about it. “But Gerald,” you scream at me like a gerbil with its nuts caught in an exercise wheel. “Tom Cruise is also short and he has had a very successful career as a hero!” True, but Tom Cruise also sucks major, major balls and eats baby placenta.
But let’s return to the main point of my review. There are 23 deaths in this movie, 1 near death, 2 almost-suicides, and a guy with a meticulously groomed flame-beard that would make the Backstreet Boys jealous, yet my pulse beats faster at the Laundromat than at this movie. First, more than half of the movie is spent on the Capital picking the tributes, transporting the tributes, training the tributes, the tributes sitting on a rooftop talking about their feelings, and Jack Bauer’s Dad clipping roses without asking the director why he looks more like Santa Clause than an evil dictator. That leaves only about 15 minutes for actual hunger-gaming.
Second, when the Hunger Games finally start, you don’t get to see 90% of the deaths. Pee Wee’s Big Adventure was more violent than this movie, and that’s not including the Large Marge scenes. In a movie all about teen angst gone wrong and adolescent girls finally using their periods to gain a tactical advantage in a war zone, Hollywood producers have us watching Swiss Family Robinson, telling us we can sit at the grown-ups table once we’ve learned how to make rated-R movies profitable.
Third, where was the romance? Yes, I did read the book, and yes, I do appreciate the value and depth that a good romance brings to a movie. That being said, I’d rather watch worms reproduce asexually than watch the love triangle between Katniss, Peeta, and Gale. In the book, Katniss is quickly torn between two men that she desperately kinda sorta thinks she might like. That’s at least something. In the movie, the sexual tension is so thin you could cut it with a rounded plastic spoon that hospitals give retards to eat with. Peeta seems more interested in performing in The Capital’s revival of “Hair” than he is in scoring himself some Katniss booty, Gale seems overly confident that his “brood and say nothing intelligent” approach will put him ahead, and Katniss is successfully focused on giving no one a boner. If I had to choose between “Team Peeta” and “Team Gale,” I’d choose the Charlotte Bobcats, cuz even they score more than these two lame-o’s.
The movie was so bad, that the only way it could have redeemed itself was if the role of Cato would have been played by Robert Pattinson so that I could at least realize my fantasy of watching Edward get eaten by a pack of genetically engineered mutant dogs. Sigh…looks like we’ll have to wait for the 25 year anniversary edition for that cut.
So that’s my review. Some of you Hunger-lings might be mad at me for telling it like it is. I had a similar reaction from Twi-hards when I blasted the Twilight “movies” (the word movies is in quotes for a reason). And I don’t care. I give it three thumbs down, because I’m willing to sew on an extra thumb that has been grown on the back of a lab rat just to give it an extra point of disapproval.
Save your money. And may the teen idol movies be never in your favor.