As many of you know, I am the eyes and ears of Byron City. It’s my mission to know what the federal government is up to before they do. They are always watching us, but who is watching them? Me, that’s who. And if you valued your freedom, you would to.
So in my surveillance, I often come across the bears, opossums, Sasquatches, chupacabras, stray cats, and other ungodly creatures, and if they don’t bother me, I don’t bother them. But lately I’ve been concerned with the amount of giant bats that have been coming into town lately.
They have always been in Byron City. I saw the first one back in 1984, and have documented sightings a couple of times a year all the way up until present day. But those sightings have become more frequent, which means their population is steadily growing. Which only leads me to one conclusion: World War III is close at hand.
The government has given far too much power to the EPA to make decisions regarding the environment. If the EPA had their way, we would all to live in grass huts eating bamboo shoots out of dung bowls commuting to and from work on dolphins and rainbows. They hate freedom more than anyone, and they want to help nature push humans back into submission. As a result, they’ve turned to bioengineering and genetics to help make animals stronger so they can better defend their “natural” habitat. Which has led them to extensive and unethical experimentation, which has in turn lead them to recruit pharmaceutical companies to provide experimental drugs in exchange for letting them sell Viagra and Cialis and baby aspirin, leading them to hire the most dangerous scientists in the world, leading them to consort with terrorists, communists, and democrats, the true axis of evil, who will, in a grab for power and advantage, inevitably create some of the worst monsters the world has ever seen, plunging us into the type of World War 3 we never saw coming: humans vs biologically engineered animals.
This is a man vs wild that even Bear Grylls couldn’t handle, especially if it’s something in his contract that he doesn’t want to do (yea, I read the papers).
This makes the encounter I had with this frightening creature all the more terrifying. Get ready, Byron City. Make your bomb shelters gnaw-proof and send your law makers a copy of Jurassic Park, because the animal apocalypse is coming.
Another Helpful Tip: whenever you see an opossum, run the other way. No, the government didn’t make these monsters. Satan did.