I’m pleased to announce that the Byron Gazette will now start posting exclusive articles and classifieds on the Byron City blog, as an effort to help bring the paper into the 20th century.
Yes, I do mean the 20th century, not the 21st century. That’s how far behind the times we are. We didn’t post a crossword puzzle until 1996 since Peggy Jenson, Editor-in-Chief and my mother, said it was “like putting boobs on a Mercedes” to attract suckers and idiots. We finally added classifieds ads in 2004, which my mother called “prostitution on paper,” just in time for Craigslist to make them obsolete.
But we’re getting there. Slowly but surely we’re getting there. And we can’t really complain. The Byron Gazette has been the #1 paper in town for fifty years, and it’s my mission as the next Editor-in-Chief to make sure it stays #1 for another fifty years. And that we hire our first black person.
Many of you ask, if the Gazette has been behind the times for so long, how has it been #1 for fifty years? That’s because my mother has one genuinely scary talent: crushing rival newspapers.
You’ll remember the Byron City Times went down after she repeatedly accused it of taking its name from the New York Times, upon which our citizens burned the place to the ground after an overzealous and very drunk Memorial Day celebration (I still have to remind citizens that Memorial day is NOT about remembering when the “leftist communist institution was defeated in Byron City”).
The Byron Tribune went down after the executive editor was caught locked outside of his house naked holding a copy of his own newspaper over his gentiles, and the owner of the Byron Post abruptly dismantled his business and moved town, giving no other reason than “I just have to get out of town, I gotta go, oh please, leave me alone, don’t haunt my dreams anymore.” Was Peggy behind both of these events? No one can prove a thing. That’s her genius. Oh, and both of their printing presses were burnt to the ground as well, more out of tradition than by necessity.
And she had her sights set on this blog, too, before I convinced her it could be an ally (though she still has a collection of knives with the names of its most frequent bloggers written on the individual blades, so…yea, be careful).
A partnership with this blog will help us against our REAL rival, the newest local publication that’s reporting skyrocketing subscriptions, the Byron City Town Crier: “Your Source for News, Gossip, Coupons, and sexually suggestive typos that may or may not be an accident. Find them all!” I hope to keep this newest threat at bay without resorting to matches and gasoline (seriously, everyone be cool).
So here’s to a brighter future for Byron City and the Byron Gazette! Here’s to partnerships, increased readership, and bringing back old advertisers like Ed’s Tire Emporium, Big Guns Gym, Cold Dead Fingers Gun Shop, Swap ‘n Chop Pawn and Barber, Lazy Susan’s Nail Salon, Faux Paws Pet Grooming, and all the shops at the Byron City mall.