Tax season is officially at the halfway mark. Here’s the score:
Me- A Bazillion
That’s right, I’m ripping taxes a new one right now. And me and my accounting team at Lenard, Lenard, and Davis are undefeated, like my senior year at Byron High a few years back when I led our football team to the State Championship. And with my recently acquired accounting degree from state college, I’m crushing W2’s and cracking 1099-B’s like a retarded grizzly bear on crack! Where you at, IRS?!
That’s right, being a tax accountant is just as exciting as being an all-state quarterback, and I’m definitely not depressed about the direction my life has taken since high school. I’m jamming those K-1 forms down the government’s throat, nailing deductions and exemptions like nobody’s business, crushing 1099-MISC to the point that it’s own mother won’t be able to identify the body.
“Oh, no,” you might say. “The deadline is rushing in on me and it doesn’t look like my 1040 will make it to the end zone!” BOOM! Here I come with an extension and additional deductions. Oh snap! No he didn’t!!! Suddenly you’re pretending to pop open your tax forms like a soda and drink it in the end zone, then do a custom high-five sequence with your accountant in his office. Penalty for excessive celebration in my cubicle? Yea, fool, whatchu gunna do ’bout it?! Chest bump!!
See? This job isn’t boring or unsatisfying at all. I don’t spend my day watching clips of my championship game on youtube. I don’t worry that I peaked in high school. There’s nothing better than hitting a 1099-SSA form so hard that it doesn’t get up right away, and then limps off the field with a medic while the crowd applauds that it was simply able to walk after such a devastating blow. Yea, that’s what I do every day, and it really gets my adrenaline going. This steady, secure desk job is making my student loans wish they had never been born!
That’s what I’m all about, doing the hell out of your taxes, week-in week-out, giving 110%. There’s no “i” in taxes, but there is an “i” in IRS, so lets show those losers whose house they’re in! Who’s yo’ daddy?! Yea!
Sigh, wow, I’m depressed.