Hello to everyone! This is Bob Van Daniels. Many of you know me as the owner of the town’s most awesome, in-your-face flower shop, Hold onto Your Buds, home of the Exploding Tulips, Flaming Roses, and M-80 Daisies. I’ve had a buttload of success since I opened the store ten years ago with nothing but my grandma’s savings and a prayer. Now she drives around on the fastest Hoveround on the planet. Booya!
People always ask me, “Bob, you’re awesome, what’s your next venture.” Well, I will tell you. I’m opening a restaurant. “A restaurant?” you might query, “that sounds totally boring.” First, shut up. Second, I’m Bob Van Daniels, and nothing I do is boring, so hold on to your mind because I’m about to blow it.
The grand opening for my new restaurant: tomorrow afternoon at 12pm. It’s location: 425 Acre Street. It’s name: Sausage Fest.
That’s right, it’s called Sausage Fest. And it’s exactly what it sounds like. Men wearing speedos will be serving you sausages from around the world. It’s the male version of Hooters. And it’s going to be huge.
Some of you might be thinking, “Sausage Fest? That sounds kinda gay.” First, we live in a more enlightened age you homophob, so you better check yourself before you wreck yourself. Second, eating sausages and drinking beer while watching the big game on huge LCD screens in massage recliners is about as non-gay as it gets. Yea, we serve you in massage recliners. I just kicked your paradigm right in the balls.
Last, it isn’t just for men! It’s perfect for a girls-night-out, bachelorette parties, baby showers, bat mitzvahs, period parties, and whatever else girls like to celebrate. They’ll enjoy the men with chiseled abs and tight speedos, the men will enjoy the food and games. Everyone wins. Especially me. Because I’m a freaking genius.
So come by tomorrow for the grand opening! First 50 people get a free pitcher of beer! And of course, fireworks and guns are totally permitted.
– Bob Van Daniels