Taylor Lautner Projected Winner, Ron Paul Second, Someone Screwed Up

From the Office of the Mayor:

With 100% of the votes counted, actor Taylor Lautner is the projected winner for the republican primary nominee. Ron Paul came in second. We’re pretty sure someone screwed up here.

We think we know what happened. As you know, our Republican Caucus was held at the same time and place as the Valentine’s Day Lover’s Ball. While some were casting their votes in private, solemn booths for the republican nominee, others were voting in glittery, pink boxes on who their dream Valentine’s Date would be. Obviously, someone mixed up a box or two. Or some voters just got confused.

While Taylor Lautner won the caucus, 45% of women chose Mitt Romney as their Valentine, ahead of George Clooney, Robert Pattinson, and Newt Gingrich, who took fourth place. Mitt’s a good looking man, but still, there’s no way this is legit.

Regardless, because of our unreliable and possibly tampered results, the state is not counting the votes from Byron City. Lets try to learn some lessons here for when the general election hits.

For what it’s worth, here are the results:

Republican Presidential Nominee100% of districts reporting
Taylor Lautner 38% *Projected Winner
Ron Paul 25%
Rick Santorum 19%
Justin Bieber 15%
Sir Ryan 3%

Celebrity Valentine Crush
Mitt Romney 45%
George Clooney 19%
Robert Pattinson 16%
Newt Gingrich 10%
John Hamm 7%
Ryan Gosling 2%
Other 1%

– Office of the Mayor, Byron City


4 thoughts on “Taylor Lautner Projected Winner, Ron Paul Second, Someone Screwed Up

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