Super New Deal! I’m not desperate!

Hi, Thomas Rathe Jr. here, inventor, town celebrity, and as most of you know, creator of Easy Lifter. Exciting news! The factory that makes the Easy Lifter is closing down, so now the unemployment of thousands of factory workers means huge savings for you! For a limited time, you can get the Easy Lifter for even less than advertised in my infomercials!

The Extraordinary Easy Lifter!

“What?!” you say. “Even CHEAPER?! Are you going to just give them away?” Haha, no. No, I’m not. But instead of getting not one, but TWO Easy Lifters for four easy payments of $19.99, I’m giving you THREE Easy Lifters for one easy payment of 50 bucks. Seriously, I have the factory’s entire inventory sitting in my garage right now. All you have to do is drive over and hand me a fifty. I’m not kidding. That’s so cheap, it’s like you’re wearing ski masks, handcuffing me to the radiator, taking my valuables, and making my wife cheat on me and divorce me and force me to pay a hefty alimony and take my kids away, because this deal is a serious STEAL!

Here’s a refresher on how the Easy Lifter can make your life easier:

“Tired of always picking things up and putting them down? Are you always dropping things with your clumsy, human hands? Don’t you wish there was an easier way? There is! Introducing the Easy Lifter! The fun and easy way to pick things up!

In the past, picking things up was complicated and tiring. You had to reach out your arms, open your hands and each of your ten fingers, close your hands around the object, tighten your fingers, and lift while and calculating the weight resistance in your head while coordinating the appropriate muscle flex. Does it have to be so complicated?

Not anymore! The Easy Lifter lets you lift and carry objects in three easy steps: 1) Open, 2) Close, and 3) Lift! It’s that easy! No more spills, straining, or slipping. Easy Lifter: Give your life a lift! Act now and get the travel size for picking things up on the go, absolutely free!”

Makes moving boiling water safe and easy!

So come buy today! Honestly, you could probably even talk me down from 50 bucks. How about $40? We’ll do this garage-sale style. Also, I have a bunch of DVDs I’m trying to unload. And some kitchen chairs. Anyone want a new big screen LED TV? Hell, tell you what, I’ll just open up my front door, you walk around my house and tell me if anything seems interesting and we’ll talk turkey, k?

So come on by! Deals like this don’t last forever! I mean, they can’t, right? It will be over soon. It has to be…


9 thoughts on “Super New Deal! I’m not desperate!

  1. I’d love to buy more! Just one worry, I find it hard to pick up the Easy Lifter. Do you have any products to help me pick up the Easy Lifter? And did you and Sandra really get divorced? I didn’t know! Was she a whore? She looked like a whore.

  2. Hark! I would’st purchase your goods with the shinny new guineas in mine sack, but I find Ye Olde Easy Lifter to be inferior to my preferred grabber, the Robot Claw. Verily, it is awesome, for it resembles the arm of a robot. I makest robot noises when I pick things up.

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