Beware of Christmas Ninjas

christmas ninjas

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a dead night.

Every Christmas, I warn people about Christmas Ninjas. And of course, no one listens.

Christmas ninjas are real, and without proper precautions, we could ALL end up on the naughty list. And by naughty list, I mean head-chopped-off-in-our-sleep list.

Christmas Ninjas originated at the beginning of the 15th century when European Christianity began to encroach upon feudal Japan, specifically condemning their mid-winter Shinto tradition, where the God of Ice, a gluttonous half-man, half-demon dressed in red and covered in white hair, would leave pickled blow-fish for the good children, and kidnap bad children in his giant bag and eat their intestines with a glass of goat milk. It was their happiest celebration (oh, how history repeats itself).

But with the surge of Christian missionaries in Japan, the people began to fight back to preserve their heritage. Thus, Christmas Ninjas were born. At first, their methods were to cause serious mischief to Christian foreigners: stealing a single sock out of the wash, hiding their keys, leaving the latrine seat up, leaving the cottage door open so all the bugs would get in, etc. But soon, when the missionaries happily ascribed all mischief to “Holiday Elves”,  Ninjas began incorporating more violent tactics: eye stealing, toe eating, brain-eating ear bugs, etc. Ever sit in bed, almost asleep, and feel something “bite” your toes? Christmas Ninjas. Ever wake up and half your toes have been bitten off? You’ve been really naughty.

Christmas Ninjas continue to this day, hidden under a veil of Christmas glee. And their mischief is almost entirely un-ascribed to them. They are that good. There was even a song written about them in the early 19th century, but the Ninjas killed the writers and changed the lyrics to keep the public unawares:

“You better not pout,
you better not cry,
you better not shout I’m telling you why.
Christmas Ninjas will plant a deadly, growing bamboo shoot in your stomach”

“They’re making a list, killing you twice
They already know if you’re naughty or nice
Christmas Ninjas are going to switch your toes to your hands and fingers to your feet.”

They see you when you’re sleeping.
They know when you’re awake.
They know if you’ve been bad or good,
so be good for the sake of not having your organs harvested.”

I hope we all are better aware now, and look out for Christmas Ninjas. It’s simple. Just don’t do anything bad. And if you have, put arsenic in the milk and cookies.

– Bill Grue


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