I will not apologize for getting drunk and calling everyone in town “sucky.”

The Autumn Enjoyable Trot, as we all know, was a resounding success. The kids had fun, we adults got to socialize, and no one was accidentally shot by hunters like last year. So why muddy the whole experience by forcing me to give a public apology for getting drunk and calling everyone in the town “sucky”?

I mean, it could have been much worse. I could have called everyone in the town terrorists, or communists, or racists, or feminists, or mexicans, or a bunch of other horrible thoughts that ran through my head at the time, so we should all be happy that I said what I said instead of those other things.

See? This is what I was going for.

I will also not apologize for dumping the bobbing for apples barrel on top of Mayor Chuck while chanting “We’re number 1! We’re number 1!” I did it in a celebratory spirit showing my pride in Byron City, and there was no malice behind my intentions.

I will also not apologize for hitting on Stephanie Banks-Dickson after mistaking her for my wife. The two look similar after a few drinks (no really, they do!), and had I simply grabbed my OWN wife’s buttcheeks while making honking noises, there would have been no need to call the police.

I will also not apologize for drooling on my wife’s expensive couch pillows. She should have thought of that before she made me sleep there. She should apologize to ME for also taking away the Xbox when I could have used it during my banishment from the bedroom.

I WILL apologize, however, to the other partners and associates at my law firm for the spanking my fantasy football team gave them all this past weekend. Looks like the $1000 pool is going to be all mine again this year. Booya!

Rashad Stevens

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19 thoughts on “I will not apologize for getting drunk and calling everyone in town “sucky.”

  1. Yes, you will apologize. And I will be buying new sofa pillows using the money I made from selling the XBox. If you’re good, I’ll replace it with a Wii for Christmas (btw, I can’t believe you posted about this on the city blog, but if you’re going to air our dirty landry, you might as well turn it over to the only person who does any around our house).

  2. A Wii? A Wii?!!! Are you frikin’ kidding me? I’m not an 8 year old girl, I don’t want a Wii, I need a REAL video game system! That’s it, I’m using your precious pillows to build a fort.

    • For my part and, I suspect, that of orehts who will read your latest post, no apology is necessary! You have brought all of us such pleasure for so long that our gratitude can never suffice. We also live in the real world and understand perfectly what you must have recently been experiencing from your brief descriptions. So, take care, you and all of your significant orehts, and know that we will await your return here when all these troublesome issues have been resolved. You are incomparable in every way, sweet, beautiful Carol. We love you!

  3. I think God knows I have no choice but to listen to you, because you never stop talking. During movies, during the games on Sunday, when I’m just about to fall asleep and you want to know my opinion on scented candles, etc. I could go on and on, but that’s your job.

    And that crossbow is awesome. I don’t care that it broke after only two days, those were the two most magical days of my life.

  4. If by “real” food you mean processed, chemical filled, sodium-packed inorganic heart-poison, then yes, Hungry Man dinners are “real” food. Next time I cook, I’ll make sure to serve you a healthy helping of growth hormones and clogged arteries so you die of a heart attack and cancer all at the same time.

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