So, like, I’m pretty good with ladies, ya know? I talk to them a bit, play my guitar, and they just seem to fall all over me. It’s kinda weird, actually. My friends lately have been asking me how to get more girls. So I sat down at the public computer at the library and wrote down some of my no fail tips for getting girls:
Brandon’s Dating Tips
- Learn how to play at least one song on the guitar. Trust me, one song is all you need.
- Don’t open the door for your date. And at dinner, ask her to pay half. Or all of it. Girls love being treated as equals.
- Suggest going to a hot tub together within the first 15 minutes of the date.
- You know how it would turn you on if your date told you she wasn’t wearing any underwear? Girls are the same. Go commando and make sure you tell her about it when the moment is right.
- Tell her how hot your ex girlfriend was. It will make her compete to live up to your expectations. If your ex wasn’t actually hot, lie. Girls can’t tell when you’re lying.
- No matter how the date goes, go in for the kiss. Do it open mouthed or she may think it’s a “friend” kiss.
- If a girl ends your date early and stops returning your phone calls, this means she is extremely attracted to you and is playing hard to get. Girls are funny like that. Don’t let up.
- Get really moody and jealous over little things. It shows you care.
- Does she have a pet? Kidnap it, wait a few days, then return it and tell her you found it wandering the streets. She’ll be overcome with gratitude.
- When in doubt, send a pic of your junk.
Oh, and don’t worry if she’s married. It’s not your problem if she’s a bored house wife, right? As my favorite comic likes to say, Get ‘er done, dude.
On another note, has anyone seen the hemp candles I left at the Occupy Byron City protest? You don’t want to know what I had to go through to get those.