New Events Added: Autumn Enjoyable Trot and Renaissance Fair

From the Office of the Mayor:

Due to certain requests, we’ve added two new events to our events calendar: The Autumn Enjoyable Trot in November and that Renaissance thingy next Spring.

Autumn Enjoyable Trot

The City Council has finished the planning for Turkey Trot, now officially called The Autumn Enjoyable Trot. The event will no longer be referred to as a Turkey Trot so as not to confuse hunters and place our children in a dangerous situation, a scenario we’ve unfortunately seen played out in years past.

It will also not be called a Thanksgiving Fun Run, because:

  1. A certain member of the council thinks Thanksgiving is offensive to our native american brothers.
  2. According to another member of the council, the word “fun” has certain sexual connotations.
  3. Trot is a more fun word than run.
We will have all normal events, games, booths, and more. It is guaranteed to be a fun time. That being said, the city counsel and fire marshal are putting certain restrictions on said fun:
  1. “Bobbing for Apples” will now be Biting for Apples, since water presents a danger that would require us to have a lifeguard on duty. Apples will be placed on the ground and children will attempt to bite the apples without using hands. Any attempt to ‘bite’ anything besides the apples will not be tolerated.
  2. All children participating in the trot MAY wear turkey costumes, but must wear orange life preservers over them. The preservers will be provided by the city at the event. This is to prevent the hunting accidents that prematurely ended last year’s Turkey Trot, and to provide protective padding for the children should they fall during the “Trot.”
  3. The Pie Making Contest and the Pie Eating Contest will be spaced further apart to avoid facial burns sustained by some of the contestants last year.
  4. Anyone caught with hard liquor or engaging in excessive beer drinking will be expulsed from the site and sent to the sheriff’s office to “dry out.” Don’t even get me started on marijuana.
  5. Hiding inside the Port-O-Johns and jumping out at people when they come to use them will not be permitted. There will also be hand sanitizer in each one.
Personally, I think most of these rules are pure crap, and hand sanitizer will only help breed the super germ that wipes out the human race, but officially, I support them. These rules will ensure everyone has a fun, safe time. I mean an enjoyable time. Not fun.

Renaissance Fair

This is happening in April. It’s weird, but some people like that, so I guess they can do it, as long as they don’t break any laws or expect me to show up. Ryan (I refuse to call him SIR Ryan) wrote out the descriptions and details on the events page, so see more about it there. But there’s no way I’m letting you guys “joust,” so you can just scratch that off of your list.

And as far as admitting one of their looney members into the City Counsel, I’ll simply say this: hell no.

Mayor Chuck

3 thoughts on “New Events Added: Autumn Enjoyable Trot and Renaissance Fair

  1. Chuck, I’ve put up with enough crap from you and this little blob or whatever you call it. The Gazette is a much more respectable place of publication, and now you’re trying to take our calendar away from us too! I won’t have it!

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