From the Office of the Mayor:
Due to certain requests, we’ve added two new events to our events calendar: The Autumn Enjoyable Trot in November and that Renaissance thingy next Spring.
Autumn Enjoyable Trot
The City Council has finished the planning for Turkey Trot, now officially called The Autumn Enjoyable Trot. The event will no longer be referred to as a Turkey Trot so as not to confuse hunters and place our children in a dangerous situation, a scenario we’ve unfortunately seen played out in years past.
It will also not be called a Thanksgiving Fun Run, because:
- A certain member of the council thinks Thanksgiving is offensive to our native american brothers.
- According to another member of the council, the word “fun” has certain sexual connotations.
- Trot is a more fun word than run.
- “Bobbing for Apples” will now be Biting for Apples, since water presents a danger that would require us to have a lifeguard on duty. Apples will be placed on the ground and children will attempt to bite the apples without using hands. Any attempt to ‘bite’ anything besides the apples will not be tolerated.
- All children participating in the trot MAY wear turkey costumes, but must wear orange life preservers over them. The preservers will be provided by the city at the event. This is to prevent the hunting accidents that prematurely ended last year’s Turkey Trot, and to provide protective padding for the children should they fall during the “Trot.”
- The Pie Making Contest and the Pie Eating Contest will be spaced further apart to avoid facial burns sustained by some of the contestants last year.
- Anyone caught with hard liquor or engaging in excessive beer drinking will be expulsed from the site and sent to the sheriff’s office to “dry out.” Don’t even get me started on marijuana.
- Hiding inside the Port-O-Johns and jumping out at people when they come to use them will not be permitted. There will also be hand sanitizer in each one.
This is happening in April. It’s weird, but some people like that, so I guess they can do it, as long as they don’t break any laws or expect me to show up. Ryan (I refuse to call him SIR Ryan) wrote out the descriptions and details on the events page, so see more about it there. But there’s no way I’m letting you guys “joust,” so you can just scratch that off of your list.
And as far as admitting one of their looney members into the City Counsel, I’ll simply say this: hell no.