Mayor Chuck Re-elected as Mayor of Byron City!

Re-Elected Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther

In a whirlwind election, former Mayor Chuck Barther was re-elected to a post he had recently resigned from due to scandal, returning order and a sense of normality to a city left in turmoil and steeped in scandal.

“We don’t care about the scandal, we just want things to go back to normal, like when he was the mayor before,” said John Parks, a Byron City native, in a sentiment shared by a majority of voters yesterday.

When the polls closed at 9pm last night, it was already clear that Mayor Chuck was the winner, gathering in 72% of the vote. Other candidates included town hero Lady Cerridwen with 17%, town recluse Bill Grue with 6%, and Internet sensation Grumpy Cat with 5%.

Platform slogan: “No Hope.”

The last-minute election was run by the State, who took over management of the city after Byron City’s most recent mayor, Mayor Sir Ryan, was arrested and charged with multiple counts of corruption and illegal activity.

When State officials were asked about whether Mayor Chuck should be allowed to take office given his past scandal, they stated, “Yea, sure, we’ll pardon him or whatever, anything to get this freak show of a town moving again. That statement is off the record, by the way. Don’t type that.”

Mayor Chuck did not campaign for or even vote in this special election, but since the news broke last night, he reportedly showed up for work at City Hall in exactly the same manner as he did before he resigned, dressed in a faded grey suit, carrying a briefcase and a brown-bag lunch.

“Go away. I have work to do,” Mayor Chuck said as he climbed the staircase for work. “And as for special plans, I’m getting this town back to normal and doing nothing, just like before. And I’m probably going to shut down our city blog that you write for. That’s when things started to get stupid around here. The internet is stupid.”

State Officials will continue to monitor things in Byron City, but have stated that they will no longer take an active part in the town’s day-to-day activities. “We’re leaving. This town is boring.”

Special Mayoral Election to be held Monday

State officials announced today that a special election will be held on Monday to determine the legitimate replacement mayor of Byron City. To avoid corruption and tampering, only paper ballot will be counted and no absentee or electronic ballots will be counted.

The announcement comes on the heels of the largest scandal ever to hit Byron City. After former Mayor Chuck resigned following allegations that he unlawfully appointed members to the City Counsel, allegedly because he was blackmailed, Mayor Sir Ryan was appointed in his stead by the City Counsel. After imposing many unusual and illegal laws, he was forcibly removed from office by the Celtic Club, went into hiding, and was later kidnapped and returned to Town Hall, restrained, next to a box full of incriminating evidence against him

Mayor Sir Ryan was immediately removed from office and is awaiting trial at the county jail.

All citizens are encouraged to register to vote by Monday. Government offices will remain open through the weekend to process registration, per order of the state. They have also ordered a background check into all City Council members and are considering shutting down the city blog, since maintaining an official city blog may not be lawful.

Based on a random telephone poll of 50 citizens, this is what the race so far is turning into.

Candidates for Mayor- The race so far (poll)

Lady Cerridwen, 33%– Leader of Celtic Club and local hero for taking down Mayor Sir Ryan.
Bill Grue 33%– Conspiracy theorist, responsible for kidnapping Mayor Sir Ryan and collecting evidence that led to his conviction. Currently missing.
Bob Van Daniels, 12%– local business owner of Sausage Fest
Jerry Mills, 9%– Dentist, humorist, and super excited to have fun
Chuck Barther, 7%– After resigning from office, would he ever consider taking back the city that turned its back on him?
Undecided, 6%

Medieval Mayor Removed From Office

Sir Ryan

Mayor of Byron City Sir Ryan has been forcibly removed from office by the State following proof of gross misconduct, including corruption, blackmail, extortion, intimidation, and misuse of power. He will more than likely face jail time.

State officials have taken over administration of city government because of the “Byron City Mayoral mess,” a series of screw ups in which the city council appointed Sir Ryan, and allowed him to run the government into the ground while plunging the entire city into virtual anarchy.

A special election will be held, overseen by the state, within the next few months.

For those unfamiliar with Mayor Sir Ryan, here is a timeline of his “reign of terror” as Byron City Mayor (and yes, that is his legal name, ‘Sir’ is his first name and ‘Ryan’ is his last; he had it legally changed when he turned 18 from the less “royal” name of Ryan Michonzski).

Mayor Sir Ryan Timeline

May 1, 2012

Mayor Charles “Chuck” Barther

Mayor Chuck accused of bribery and corruption

Jul 2,2012
Mayor Chuck denies allegations, resigns, gives press the middle finger

Aug 3, 2012
Sir Ryan Appointed Mayor by City Council

Sept 11, 2012
Sir Ryan unveils new “laws,” including:

• Mandatory Medieval Fridays
• Forces all restaurants to serve giant turkey legs
• Commissions the building of a new LARP Arena
• Exiles former Mayor Chuck
• Forces a woman to be his girlfriend
• Forces the High School Cheerleading team to call themselves “The Harpy Squad”
• Outlawes the rival club, The Celtic Club

Secret sign of the Celtic Club Resistance Movement

Sept 14, 2012

Celtic Club starts resistance movement to “Sir Ryan’s Reign of Terror”

Sept 25, 2012
Sir Ryan Accused of Muzzling the Press

Oct 29, 2012
Sir Ryan Enforces more unpopular changes, including:

• Replaces streetlights with torchlight
• Lowers speed limit to 10mph, the “max acceptable speed of a beast of burden.”
• Shuts down bus service, replacing it with handcarts pulled by “serfs”
• Turns fire department into convent of Gregorian monks

Oct 30, 2012
Celtic Club Resistance movement gains serious momentum

Dec 22, 2012
Celtic Club holds a festival/protest on the grounds of City Hall. Mayor Sir Ryan dispatches his own private force of medieval club warriors to disperse the group, and a giant LARP battle commences. Mayor Sir Ryan is defeated and goes into hiding.

Jan 15, 2013
Police determine that Mayor Sir Ryan was being held hostage by Byron City citizen, survivalist and conspiracy theorist Bill Grue, most likely in one of his many emergency bunkers. Which one, the police were unable to determine.

Feb 11, 2013
After nearly two months missing, Sir Ryan turns up, duct taped to the wall of city hall with a box full of pictures, videos, and documents proving the occurrence of fraud, bribery, blackmail, misuse of power, intimidation, and illegal use of resources. (mission mayor found)

Today
It has been announced that a special election will be held within the month to elect a new LEGITIMATE mayor. Whole process to be overseen by the state, since Byron City has been deemed “inept.”

Who will be next to die immediately after having a child on Downton Abbey? (*spoilers!*)

(*Caution: spoilers!*)

First Sybil. Then Matthew. Both had children, both died almost immediately after having that child, both in Season 3. Looks like Downton Abbey is finally hitting its stride as far as completely out of the blue and unnecessary death is concerned. Technically you could count Ethel, too, since her lover died while she was still pregnant. Even though he was a pretty minor character, one thing is for sure: having a baby on Downton means you or your lover is doomed to die.

About 30 seconds from massive Downton fan outrage.

So the question all Downtaddicts are asking themselves is, “Who will be the next character to die immediately after having a child?”

Early speculation has Mr. Bates getting shanked by an ex-prison mate right after leaving the hospital where Anna gives birth to baby Matthew. And then later Daisy dies after giving birth to baby Bates because of complications related to her teen pregnancy. And then Mrs. Patmore dies after giving birth to baby Daisy, which I can only assume is a “I didn’t know I was pregnant” situation. But she dies, not because of the pregnancy, but because she accidentally gets caught in the middle of a knife fight between Thomas and Mrs. O’Brien (which is an awesome scene by the way). And then Mr. Carson dies, not because he fathers a child, but because Downton likes killing our favorite characters for no reason.

Pretty soon we’ll just be left with the baby versions of all our dead favorite characters. If this is some sick way of creating a “Muppet Babies” version of Downton Abbey, I’m not amused.

But this is all speculation. Anyone could die, really. For all we know, Mrs. Hughes will die of milk poisoning, Edith will be killed by her new lover’s crazy wife, Cora will slip on more soap, Isobel will nag Dr. Clarkson to death, Jimmy will burn his beautiful face in a fire which will make all the servant women kill themselves, and Tom will be shot in Ireland by Bono’s great grandfather, leaving us with a sort of Hamlet situation, where everyone dies except, surprisingly, Maggie Smith’s character, who will make a string of classic one liners to a bunch of corpses. And we will all still watch it. Because Maggie Smith is awesome.

Until then, keep watching! Season 4 is right around the corner. And so is a speeding milk truck that will likely kill you on impact.

Ah, snap! Violet, you crazy.

Why Argo/Lincoln/Les Mis Won Best Picture

I’m sitting here writing this article Sunday morning and setting it to post Monday morning because I don’t want to stay up late to write it after all the Hollywood bigwigs have finally stopped talking about how great they are and licking each other’s feet-holes. I’ve written a broad article that covers all three of the top contenders for the 2013 Academy Award for best picture. Just circle the one that actually won and you won’t know the difference.

Why Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable Won Best Picture

Inside, I hate all of you.

Wow, I can’t believe (Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable) won best picture! I was happy to see (how excited Ben Affleck looked/how outwardly pleased yet inwardly loathing of everyone around him Daniel Day-Lewis was/ how Anne Hathaway literally laugh-cried into a blubbery mess of mascara and short hair before any winner was actually announced). They certainly deserved their moment in the spotlight. Now I can stop (wondering/hoping/getting annoyed every time someone says the title with a horrible French accent) and move on to congratulate the uncontested winner.

The academy must have (had a hard time choosing/second guessed their decision/thought it would be hilarious) to give this particular film the win, but in the end, I guess they really wanted (a really exciting yet brilliant film to win/a picture with historical gravitas to win/to get “One Day More” stuck in everyone’s head for a few more weeks). I guess it just goes to show that a movie with a lot of (heart/brilliant acting/actors who can’t sing) is still the best formula for making classic cinema.

It shall be my greatest performance, be-yotch.

At first I was shocked when they announced (Argo/Lincoln/Les Miserable) was the winner, but the more I think about it, the less surprised I am. First of all, (Alan Arkin’s/Daniel Day-Lewis’s/Hugh Jackman’s) stunning portrayal as (a slimy Hollywood insider turned CIA agent/an iconic leader at America’s most difficult crossroad/a gay Hollywood heart-throb pretending to be a straight actor) was nothing short of brilliant.

Second, the (writing/production design/volume of terrifyingly disgusting prostitutes) was at a level not often seen in movies these days. And third, it must have taken years for (John Goodman/Sally Field/Helena Bonham Carter) to perfect that (sly sense of surly confidence/ability to channel one of history’s most famous first ladies/ creepy-looking eyeball face thing she does).

Yup, that’s the look.

My hat goes off to the director, who no doubt (has done his greatest work to date/must have spent years studying and immersing himself in the time period/just ripped everything off of the Broadway production). And that scene where (the American’s get stopped at the airport/ the Amendment is being voted on in the House/Amanda Seyfried and Eddie Redmayne attempt to sing at each other) was a complete nail biter! I almost couldn’t watch!

Of course, no movie is perfect, and this year’s winner is no exception. It could have done better with (character development/historical inaccuracies/trying too hard to make me cry) but overall it was a truly brilliant performance worthy of (your movie collection/the history books/Kathryn Bigelow’s disdain). No doubt all the fans of this film are currently (happy Ben Affleck finally got the praise he deserves/discussing the film’s message for our modern age/sacrificing a virgin on the altar of Victor Hugo).

So here’s to this year’s winner of the 2013 Academy Award for Best Picture! Hopefully your success will inspire many more movies with (intelligent intrigue/timeless importance/Russell Crowe’s beard) in the years to come.

Thank you. Now can we just forget about Daredevil from now on please?

Valentine’s Day Tips – For Singles, Pets, and more!

Hello subscribers and newcomers! Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and some of you might still be wondering what you can do to make this special night extra special for that special someone. Well, as an aspiring gossip/advise columnist, I took to the streets to ask the special people of Byron City what kind of advice they would give to the longing-lovers of the world.

Lonely Valentine’s Day Tips
by Shane Jericho, recent college grad and tax accountant, former star quarterback for Byron City High

Well, my girlfriend broke up with me just a few days ago (I don’t think she realized Valentine’s Day was coming up or I think she would have waited until after I bought her a fancy dinner and a ton of flowers to cut the cord), so this is more like Single’s Awareness day for me. But I’ve got a lot of fun ideas that will be even better than the carriage ride and candle-lit lake-side dinner on the pier I had planned.

Valentine’s Day Activities for Singles

• Watch Lord of the Rings and pretend Frodo and Sam are dating. It’s like a romantic comedy!
• Do the dishes using only heart-shaped scrub motions. It’s a lot more challenging than you’d think!
• Make a bouquet out of the clippings from your herb garden.
• When you read your fortune cookie from your Chinese takeout, end it by adding “…in bed.”  to the end. Lol, it’s hilarious.
• I’m so lonely.

I guess the point is, just be creative. And interesting. And don’t peak in high school. And don’t say I love you too soon or she’ll break up with you just before Valentine’s Day. Even though you’ve been dating for over six months and it’s time you said it. And don’t call her on Valentine’s day, no matter how much you miss her. I’m calling her.

Valentine’s Day Activities for Single Girls
by Tiffany Kim, student at Byron City Community College, fashionista, total geek lol

Well, I just broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago (I didn’t realize Valentine’s Day was coming up or I TOTALLY would have let him wine and dine me first before breaking it off, boo), so this is yet another Single’s Awareness day for me. But I called my best girlfriend and we have a few awesome ideas for us single girls to that will be better than the lame dinner and movie my ex-boyfriend probably had planned.

Valentine’s Day Activities for Single Girls

• Dress slutty and go to a club to enjoy being annoyed by all the guys hitting on you. And free drinks!
• I’m out of ideas

But it’s a start! We’ll just see where the night takes us! Hold on, someone’s calling. TTFN!

V-Day Tips for Pets!
Stephanie Banks-Dickson, former Miss Byron City Pageant Winner, Wife, and Owner of Faux Paws Pet Grooming

Re-Create the Lady and the Tramp Spaghetti Scene
I absolutely LOVE celebrating Valentine’s Day with my pets! Every year I re-create the scene from Disney’s Lady and the Tramp, giving my pets their own romantic evening complete with a plate of puppy spaghetti. They mostly just get spaghetti everywhere and then throw it up in my closet later, but still it’s so cute!

Dress to Impress
Even if your pet is a single pouch, fear not! You can still have fun dressing them in cute outfits for the occasion. Here’s Princess Puddle Pants in her cute Valentine’s outfit this year. She’s ready to hit the town and find herself a top dog!*

*Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets

How to Totally Get Some This Valentine’s Day
by Brandon Zequera, Lead Singer and Guitarist of his own band, Brandon Zequera.

Dude, I’m never alone on Valentine’s Day and I don’t even try, so just relax. And if you have some chick you’re trying to round the bases with, and want to make sure you make the right moves that manipulate her emotional feminine heart back to your pad, here’s what you do.

Even better than the real thing.

Email a Card: Email her a V-day card pdf. It’s fast and cheap, and basically gets the job done. Limit any custom message to five words. Sending some long, sappy, hand-written love note basically tells her you cry all of the time and are essentially a woman, so don’t do that. But don’t do nothing, either. Minimal effort is key.

Go someplace reservations aren’t required: Going out to eat on V-day sucks, it’s way too busy and stressful and expensive. You don’t want to try too hard anyways. That turns girls off. Go someplace like a café or fast-casual restaurant where you don’t need reservations.

Be generous: Don’t be cheap on V-day. This is her special night, so offer to split the bill. Don’t expect her to pay the whole bill this time.

If all else fails, play the guitar. Works every time.

You’re welcome. Good luck, dudes.

Seduce Her with Laughter!

Every woman gets flowers and chocolates on Valentine’s Day. I say, try something different! Give your lover the gift of a chuckle! A way to a woman’s heart is through her funny bone, that’s what I always say. It helped me get my wife when we started dating while I was still in dental school. I was giving her a root canal, my first one actually, and I started telling her my best jokes, and she was just rolling with laughter until tears came out! Looks like that root canal was our “route” to love! Ha, see what I did there?

Anyways, to help you laugh your way into love, here are some of my favorite Valentine’s Day jokes:

Valentine’s Day Jokes

What did the painter say to his Valentine?
I love you with all of my art!

What do you say when a squirrel says it’s in love with you on Valentine’s Day?
You’re nuts so bad yourself!

What did the caveman give his cavewoman for Valentine’s Day?
Ughs and kisses!

What kind of flowers do you give a vegetarian on Valentine’s Day?
Cauliflowers!

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!

Woman: Do you love me more than sleep?
Man: I can’t answer now, it’s time for my nap!

Haha, that last one if my favorite! He goes to take a nap?! Are you serious?! While she’s asking you a serious question about love?!!! Hahaha, oh we have good times on Valentine’s Day. Wait wait, I have a few more:

Adele falls in love – with laughter!

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like a big kiss, baby!

What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day?
I’m stuck on you!

Man: I can’t leave you!
Woman: Do you really love me that much?
Man: No, you’re standing on my foot!

Hahahaha, what?! Standing on his foot!? Where did that come from!? Out of left field, that’s where. Oh that is soooo funny, because she thinks he loves her, but he actually can’t get away because she’s standing on his foot! Oh, priceless. And that knock knock joke? I almost couldn’t finish typing I was laughing so hard. I’m definitely using that when I come home from work today.

Anywho, I’ll let you go now. I have over 100 of these prepared for my wife this year.She’s gunna love it. And they are all different jokes than the ones I told her last year. I’m the only old joke she’ll be with this year, haha! Get it? I’m old and I’m a joke? Ah, self-depreciating humor sure is fun.

Missing Mayor Found, Duct-Taped to Town Hall

Town Hall erupted this morning as Byron City’s missing Mayor, Mayor Sir Ryan, was returned to the steps of Town Hall, duct taped to the wall just outside the front doors and gagged, with a box full of pictures, documents, and audiotapes left next to him with the label “Evidence.”

Byron City Mayor, Sir Ryan, found duct-taped near the doors of the town hall.

Mayor Sir Ryan had been missing for over a month after a Celtic Club celebration in front of Town Hall turned into an impromptu LARP battle between the Celtic Club and their rival, the Renaissance Club. The Mayor, himself a Renaissance Club leader, led the LARP assault, but in the end was defeated. There was no word or sight of him since.

In his absence, all official Mayor duties were carried out by Deputy Mayor Brian Havig and Mayor Sir Ryan’s right hand man, the Sarcastic Thief. Havig has stated that it has been hard to get any work done, since he’s not sure if the sarcastic thief actually likes his ideas or if he’s just being mean.

Then last week, local conspiracy theorist and camouflage enthusiast Bill Grue announced in a blog post, that he had indeed found and captured the Mayor and had him tied up in one of his bunkers. Local law enforcement was unable to find the Mayor since Grue reportedly has many emergency bunkers hidden all over Byron City, primarily for hurricanes, wildfires, chemical warfare, a second Obama presidency, suspension of guns laws, gay marriage, and the zombie apocalypse.

It is believed that initial inspection by law enforcement of the box marked “Evidense” has uncovered proof of wrongdoing and illegal activity of the unpopular Mayor during his short time as Mayor, including bribery, misuse of power, mismanagement of funds, and forcing of a certain citizen to be his girlfriend (allegedly Stephanie Banks-Dickson, a married woman whom he is known to have had a crush on).

We will provide more information as it becomes available.

Superbowl Blackout Conspiracy Theory

Beyoncé makes Illuminati symbol to her worshipers during her performance at the Superbowl.

The Superbowl was this past Sunday. I usually don’t watch it because of the subliminal messaging and radiation that comes through the television during large scale televised events, but this time I was watching it through a special deflector, and something came up that intrigued me. Just after halftime, as the Baltimore Ravens were completely destroying the 49ers, the power went off. Over 30 minutes later, the power was restored and the game continued. The 49ers came back to nearly win it. The game ended, life went back to normal.

Or so you thought.

You see, the power outage was no accident. Beyoncé isn’t a simple entertainer. And Colin Kaepernick’s tattoos mean something much darker than you could possibly imagine. Take a look again at the chain of events and tell me there is no connection.

Superbowl Blackout Chain of Events

End of Second Quarter — The Score: Ravens 21, 49ers 6

Halftime — Beyoncé Performs. Sings anti-marriage /  government-forced celibacy song, “Single Ladies.” Beyoncé and her fans make illuminati triangle symbols with hands as they worship her during the performance.

Beginning of Third Quarter  — Ravens score immediately on kick off.

Shortly after Raven’s Kickoff Score  — Stadium goes dark

5min into Blackout  — 49ers punter goes missing.

7min into Blackout  — Oreo tweets this pre-prepared blackout ad.

13min into the Blackout  — Ravens momentum has cooled off. A few fans witness Jay-Z in the shadows near the locker room entrance screaming at Joe Flacco.

22min into the Blackout  — Colin Kaepernick disappears from the field for a few moments. Returns with new tattoo.

34min into the Blackout  —  Jim and John Harbaugh exchange secret hand signs.

35min into Blackout  —  Lights go back on, play resumes.

3^rd Quarter  —  49ers miraculously come back to make the game more exciting and lucrative for late-game advertisers.

4^th Quarter Commercial Break  — We are fed a subliminal TV commercial glorifying the virtues of manual farm labor and serfdom.

End of 4^th Quarter  — Ravens “take a safety” instead of kicking it off, making the final Score 34 – 31, the illuminati number of death.*

So those are the facts. Anything look suspicious? It should. And it’s no coincidence that Beyoncé just a few weeks prior lip-synced at the inauguration of fellow Illuminati leader Barack Obama. But why has the Illuminati so publicly flaunted their power? Why the secret death code? Why do players with dreadlocks never seem to have one ripped out accidentally during play? I haven’t connected all of the dots yet, but there’s definitely something they don’t want you to know. We may be on the eve of a new world order.

P.S. I’ve found the Mayor, and he’s currently tied up in my basement. I’ll deliver him when I’ve finished my investigation.

*3431, based on the letters on a standard US telephone, the numbers spell “Die.” The 1 has no letters on a telephone because, according to the illuminati, the number “one” represents their satanic leadership, which cannot be defined.

And the Winner of the 2013 Academy Award for Best Picture is…!

The Academy Awards, aka the Oscars, aka the worst award show on the planet, will take place on February 24^th. They have already announced the nominees, with the Best Picture category garnering the most attention and stealing the glory away from other awards such as Best Cinematography and Best Sound Mixing and Best Person to Hold a Boom Mic Over An Actor’s Head.

So which Best Picture nominee will take home the top prize? Which obviously gay star will choose this moment to come out of the closet that he or she wasn’t exactly hiding in to begin with? Will the host this year suck or will they dig Billy Crystal out of his tomb again?

Here are the nominees, along with my prediction of the winner.

“Django Unchained”

Another Tarantino film with a ton of violence and a misspelled title. I don’t know how Tarantino managed to get any filming done when he was constantly whipping blood off of the camera lens I’ll never know. Seriously, this guy loves splattering blood so much I’m surprised he hasn’t been locked away as a serial killer yet. And stop acting in all your own movies. It was cute when Hitchcock did it because he was old and didn’t say anything. You actually try to act. Stick to what you do best: fantasize about killing hundreds of people all day and then writing a screenplay about it. Sicko.

“Les Misérables”

Note to everyone: stop trying to pronounce the name of this film correctly, you sound like you’re dry heaving. Which is exactly what I was doing for real during the entire length of this 3-hour debacle. At least the title, translated to “The Miserables” is accurate. I can’t think of a more miserable movie full of miserable actors who all called in sick for their voice lessons. I liked it better when it was a play, and even better when it was a giant novel I would never read.

“Amour”

Showing that the Academy still gets all-gooey for all things French and cripplingly depressing. I’d rather visit my grandmother in an old folks home built inside of a renovated concentration camp. That experience would be a LOT less depressing.

“Argo”

This whole movie was just an excuse for Ben Affleck to wear crazy 70s suits to work everyday and do what he does best: pretend to be a real life filmmaker. Time to call it quits, Ben. Even after an Oscar-nominated movie, Matt Damon STILL won’t return your phone calls. And your wife has weird toes.

“Lincoln”

I loved this movie. The whole story of Abraham Lincoln trying to end the civil war, outlaw slavery, and kill vampires by night was truly compelling. Wait, that’s not the one that’s nominated? The boring one without vampire killing was nominated? That 2.5-hour waste of my life where Lincoln struggles to accomplish something we already know he’ll accomplish in the first place? The movie that not only has no vampire battles but skipped the part where Lincoln gets his head blown off? The only good part of that movie was watching James Spader freak out when Lincoln walks into the room unannounced. As far as I’m concerned, the academy can choke on their own elbow patches.

“Life of Pi”

I liked this movie the first time I saw it when it was called Slumdog Millionaire and the CGI tiger was a crazy game show host. I also liked it better when the boy and the tiger were two gay cowboys. Either way, this movie won’t win simply because there weren’t enough other people in this movie to overact for the academy. And not “Indian” enough to get the white-guilt vote. 

“Beasts of the Southern Wild”

Another movie no one has ever heard of included only so the Academy still seems “legit.” But when you define legit in the same way a hipster wearing a cookie monster bib defines legit, you are no longer legit. This movie is weird, confusing, and is only nominated because people still feel bad about the whole Louisiana Hurricane Katrina thing.

“Silver Linings Playbook”

Would have liked it better if Jennifer Lawrence broke out her bow and killed all the other contestants to win the movie. Especially Bradley Cooper. He needs to go back to his modeling career, where he just stands there and looks pretty.

“Zero Dark Thirty”

If you make a fake crappy movie about a real awesome event, then you shouldn’t get to be nominated for best picture. It’s cheating. A hair-lipped monkey could have made this story into a Best Picture nominee. Speaking of which, why are we still so enthralled with Kathryn Bigelow? Aren’t we over this whole “women are just as good as men” thing yet? I thought we proved that already and can go back to letting men win at everything again like we’re supposed to.

Predicted Winner: We Are All Losers.

When Hollywood strikes out, we all lose. Wake me when they start making Godfather-calibre movies again.