Where’s Waldo? Hiding from the Government, that’s where.

Sharing Sharing Hippos? More Like Commie Commie Hippos.

The marbles belong to the state, comrade.

I found your article funny, Willow, because my kids play a different version of Monopoly, too, where just when you’re about to win the game, the government takes 70% of your money and gives it to all the losers.

I’ve also sold over 100 copies of my own version of Clue, where players try to discover who murdered the US Constitution. The answer is Barak Obama.

You see, your games teach your kids to skip around with flower wreaths and Tambourines, spreading the myth of global warming, setting terrorists free, and killing American jobs with hugs and lesbian kisses. My games teach independence, strength, using your own brain, and how to live without big-brother government handouts. It teaches them their rights, and who to shoot when they get taken away.

Other games I’ve altered for my kids:

• Candyland Border Patrol
• Pin the Blame on the Donkey
• Mad- as hell -Libs
• Liberal Media Balderdash
• Waterboarding and Ladders
• Suicide Bomber Battleship
• Back- to the gold standard -Gammon
• Welfare State Scattergories
• Government Surveillance Pictionary
• Police the World Risk

I’m also working with a developer to create my own version of World of Warcraft for isolationists: America of Warcraft. We’ll see which game is better. Let the free market declare a winner.

– Bill

The Olympics Make Me Worry

Well, the 2012 Olympics in London are finally over, which makes me very glad because now I can stop worrying. For example, the first event I watched was a swimming competition and the whole time I was just a bundle of nerves. Where did they put their shoes? Is someone watching for them or did they just forget them around the corner? And do their mother’s have a good seat? Can they see ok? What if her child needs help, can she go to the poolside and help?

Aren’t they cold when they first get out of the water? Is the water warm enough to keep them from getting sick? Who’s making sure they get snacks? Are they remembering to wait 30min to swim after they eat their snacks?

He just looks so scared, poor thing!

What a mess! My word, I could hardly sleep these past few weeks. London is a very pretty city, but it did not do a very good job of taking care of their athletes.

Without help, these dear athletes started to run amok, bless their hearts. I saw a weightlifter who forgot to introduce himself to the other athletes in the room, a diver who didn’t hold onto both handrails on the way up the diving board, and a gymnast who had an ugly frown on her face the entire event. Our standards in this country are shrinking, I’m afraid.

Isn’t anyone looking out for these young people?

The track races made me upset, too. We all cheer for the winner, but doesn’t the person who finishes last feel bad? I’m sure they worked very hard to make it to the Olympics and deserve a cheer or two just for that. Instead they put their head down and cry and slowly walk off of the track and forget to wash their hands or put on their seat belt  and don’t notice there’s a lot of food on the table and they shouldn’t just eat one thing all of the time but should at least try all the different foods so they can have a balanced meal! I mean, honestly…

I felt so bad for McKayla Maroney, she did so well and was so upset that she only got silver. I know she fell during her final routine, but it was an innocent mistake. Why don’t we just call them all champions for a job well done? They all deserve a gold medal and a big hug and to sit in the front seat of the car on the way home.

I don’t like that Michael Phelps, though, because he’s a pot-head. And there should be more police around to keep an eye on the black athletes.

I have to go. I just discovered my pee is yellow and need to call my doctor.

Love ‘em Hug ‘em Robots

As a devoted life-partner and mother, I find the amount of violence in this world disturbing. Which is why I only let my kids play with toys and games that encourage love, acceptance, openness, progressive values, and herbal remedies.

In that spirit, I’ve altered popular games and toys to be more uplifting and educational: Love ‘em Hug ‘em Robots, Sharing Sharing Hippos, Humanitarian Aid Battleship, Childhood Obesity Barbie, Black Power Rangers, and Don’t Tickle Me There Elmo are just a few of the great things I’ve done to make my kids’ childhood a little brighter.

Natural Childbirth Operation, Loving Touch Twister (Left hand, hug!!!), Free Range Pokemon, Fair-Trade Cabbage Patch Kids, Peak Oil Play-Doh,  Gay Settlers of Catan—there are no limits! My kids will be much better adjusted and caring adults thanks to a few simple tweaks to these everyday toys and games.

I’ve sold more than a dozen copies on eBay of my more caring version of Monopoly, “Shareopoly,” where properties are distributed evenly at the beginning, and if you lose all your money the President gives you a stimulus. Everyone wins when no one loses!

The game ends when climate change destroys the game board.

For my next project, I’ve gotten together with a programmer to alter “Angry Birds” to “Habitat for Humanity Birds,” where the birds help the pigs rebuild their homes destroyed by their angry counterparts!

If you’re interested in buying or helping me with my crusade to make the world a more loving place, call or email me! I’ll welcome you with open arms. And hummus.